Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Eh to Zed of Childhood Accidents

Years ago, someone challenged me to come up with an A-Z of childhood accidents.

Never challenge a writer. (And please ignore the inconsistencies in grammar.)

Almost drowned when five.
Broke front teeth when eight.
Cut fingers too many times to count.
Dove off roof with patio umbrella to test the theory of gravity. (Flunked test.)
Electrical shock experiment. (Which, contrary to opinion, is not a warm and fuzzy feeling.)
Frying pan burn on wrist making pancakes.
Grater accident, resulting in skinned knuckles beefing up the coleslaw.
Hung, suspended, from crotch in apple tree until rescued. (Tree's crotch, not mine.)
Icy post/tongue incident (Who hasn't had one of those?)
Jumped from roof with garbage bag parachute. (Didn't learn lesson from umbrella.)
Kite, homemade, flew into head not sky.
Leapt from scooter, also homemade, over curb and missed.
Major food poisoning from Aunt Lily's famous egg nog made with raw eggs.
Nasty spill from the first and last time waterskiing. (Full body enema.)
Orange segment incident, in which I chipped yet another tooth chewing a piece of fruit.
Peed myself laughing. (That constitutes an accident, no?)
Quest for minnows in grandparents' lake resulting in blood suckers wrapped around toes.
Rollerskated into fence. (These were attached to my sneakers with a key. Yes, I'm old.)
Slashed sole of bare foot on rusty can. (See grandparents' lake.)
Trod on by horse. (Used at summer camp, not as a means of transport. I'm not that old.)
Unnerving bum-tumble down a flight of stairs into the basement.
V-neck sweater caught on earring in pierced ear.
Wrist sprain after fall on cement floor while eight months pregnant (which, while not technically a "childhood accident" I did cry like a baby.)
X-ray of my wonky spine, which is deemed so strange, am asked by professor, rubbing her hands in glee, if I'm willing to donate it to confound medical students.
Yanked fish hook from face when I tagged a Styrofoam flutter board and pulled hard.
Zambonied into road from bike, knocking out front teeth the day before kindergarten photo.


Yutha said...

Ha ha, you said crotch....

A Novel Woman said...

It's a botanical term, you big eejit.

Yutha said...

Yeah, sure it is....just like va jay jay...

helgor said...


Hugely entertaining, you must continue blogging, you're a natural.

(from the compuserve forum)

A Novel Woman said...

Hi Helene, (Don't know how to do the accents, but _we_ know they're there)

Thanks for stopping by!


A Novel Woman said...


When was the last time you heard anyone refer to a tree's vajayjay? Besides Oprah, I mean.

Botanical 101

Trees don't have vajayjays, only crotches. Like Barbie and Ken. Trees are natural and never vulgar.

Wait...I stand corrected:

Kimberely Arana, chp, proprietress /// said...

I had to shudder at first, and then utter an "aha!" over the fish-hook incident--my biggest irrational fear, and my fishing-obsessed dh says such thing never happen!

Finally --proof! Thank you! Oh, and sorry about that hook. Ouch (!).

kimb' (from the forum; who has been lurking since having my second baby)

A Novel Woman said...

Hi Kimb!

Thanks for popping in. Yes, you can tell your hubby it _does_ happen. I wasn't seriously fishing at the time, just fooling around with the rod and casting for fun. Still, if it can happen with a flutterboard, it could happen with a big fish, right?

I actually don't fish anymore. The fish living under my dock are too friendly, and come right up to my toes to say hello. Or, maybe they're guarding a nest, I don't know. Either way, I can't bring myself to hurt them. (Don't tell your husband, but I save bugs and feed them to the fish and watch them frolic.)