Sunday, April 11, 2010

Dating Advice from the 30s For You Ladies Out There

But as for you women out there, you might want to take it with a grain of salt.

Preferably after a shot of tequila.

Dating Advice, or The Rules of Engagement

Rule #1. Don't slouch or chew gum. Check. But wearing ugly shoes on a date is A-okay.

Rule #2. This implies if you don't need a brassiere, you can skip it entirely. But wearing a girdle is a given. And call me crazy, but if you don't know you have a stocking hanging down around your ankles, you've had a few too many before the date has even started.

Also, if your date has this kind of reaction to wrinkled stockings, imagine what he'd do if eventually you got married and he witnessed, say, the birth of your child. Or your Saturday morning sweatpants.

Rule #3. So if applying makeup and touching the interior of a car is verboten, I'm guessing driving the car would annoy him even more.

Rule #4. How did "careless" and "talking" get thrown into the same category?

Rule #5. I expect he already is talking about the things he wants to talk about which is why she is no doubt pondering whether or not she is able to pull her sweater up over her head in order to block out further conversation.

Rule #6. I'm fairly confident that his annoyance stems from how she is showing affection, i.e., jamming a finger in his ear while bending the cartilage and pinching his lobe, and that given some encouragement about a possible change of location, her "escort" might find this rule as bendable as his ear cartilage.

Rule #7. Silly has always been seriously underrated. Ditto dignity.

Rule #8. If your date sits around all mopey because things are not going his way, tell him not only does he risk having his face get stuck like that, but you will pick up the check and the waiter.

Rule #9. Don't be conspicuous... Wait. Conspicuous means "attracting attention." In other words, if you want to lean over in a drunken stupor and rub the head of a total stranger sitting behind you, do it discreetly. Duh.

Rule #10 (which also looks a lot like Rule #1)

Do you really want to date a guy who keeps score?


BB said...

This was so darned funny I HAD to tweet you... oh Lord. The annoying mirror thing... and the sagging stockings thing... no wonder so many of them drank!!!

nightsmusic said...

Laughing. Hard. To. Type.


A Novel Woman said...

Hey, I remember having to wear stockings, pre-pantyhose. I don't, however, remember them pooling around my ankles and NOT NOTICING.

Tara said...

Oh God!! I am rolling at your comments! This was great.

And I never_ever_play with my girdle.


A Novel Woman said...

Yes, because men don't mind if you're WEARING a girdle, they just don't want you TUGGING at it.

Debby said...

Is it my imagination or does 'the date' look homicidal? Really. Look at his eyes. The pass out scene? I'll bet he slipped her a mickey. Was this girl ever seen again after her date? Inquiring minds want to know. See what sort of research you can do on this.

Debby said...

PS: BB? Stockings drank? I had no idea.

*wanders off pondering alcoholic hosiery*

A Novel Woman said...

HAHAHA!! Grammar humour!

I agree, the date looks creepy and controlling. However the waiter looks out and out nuts. What's a girl to do? I mean, she has to choose a man, right? How else is she going to get home since she doesn't drive?

BB said...

Yes but what about alcoholic mirrors... a whole nother post coming up on horror movies featuring tanked glass and hoisery!!

jeanie said...

So THAT is what I was doing wrong for all that time!

Lottery Girl said...

You are soooooooooo funny!!!!

Ironically, this chick would be the perfect for 2010.

dykewife said...

*humming* "I'll be subservient and spineless
I'll lick your boots as empty shells
I'll be opinion less and silent
I'll be the prettiest appendage to ever lose herself"

alanis morissette "spineless"

A Novel Woman said...

You know, I think Paris Hilton and her ilk could relate to some of this.