Monday, May 30, 2011

Spring is here when...

I often work at night, well into the wee hours, but come summer I get less work done because I'm too distracted by June bugs the size of pinecones bashing themselves into oblivion on my window. They're so loud I'm constantly flinching and ducking. Not exactly conducive to writing love scenes or dreamy reveries about the south of France.

Still, suicidal June bugs are preferable to the wildlife debauchery that took place last night. My take on it? A raccoon somehow got into the garbage can, a feat which is, in and of itself, a mystery. I'm talking about those big green buggers (the can, not the raccoon) with the hinged lids which are fairly tall and hard to open. I know raccoons got in there because a) the bag inside was torn to shreds and, b) I opened the lid to make a deposit and I discovered a young raccoon inside. I'm not sure who was more surprised but I vote me, since I'm pretty sure she did not pee her pants or run screaming in circles or wring her hands or, for the umpteenth time, mutter to herself "this is not the life I signed up for when I married a dentist."

This is bad enough, but then I'm guessing what happened next is the skunks went all gangsta up in your face with the raccoons and maybe wanted a piece of that stolen pie, even though said "pie" was rancid meat and vegetable peels littering the driveway. And to quote the mighty Oprah, what I know For Sure is that skunks do not take no for an answer. And when you ask a skunk, "is that your final answer?" you'd better be able to run fast and in a zig zag pattern.

The kicker? Last night was hot and humid, so I put a double fan Right In The Bedroom Window to draw the cool evening air directly into our bedroom. It also drew the stench from the West Side Story action happening directly below. I woke up gagging, as the fan sucked and delivered the results of the mother of all food fights right into our sanctuary and smothered us as we slept.

Skunks One. Raccoons Zero. Novel Woman Minus Eleven.

Yes folks, in case there was any doubt, Spring is here.

6 comments:

Debby said...

Bwahahhahahahahahaha!

I remember going to my mother's, and the handle of her Libman broom was all twisted up. I said, "Gees, what happened there..." and she said, "I hate those damn raccoons..." I was a little shocked to hear that she had gone out the door in the middle of the night and swung her broom, sending a raccoon flying off the birdfeeder. I said, "er...you do understand that they can get pretty mean, right?"

Francie said...

I laughed, but I promise it was a very, very sympathetic laugh!

A Novel Woman said...

Between the skunks, raccoons and squirrels, I've had enough wildlife.

nightsmusic said...

Reading your post made me gag! We had a night like that in our old house. The behind-us neighbor's dog caught a skunk in the backyard and it let loose. It too was humid and the air was thick and our fan was going. I felt it come in the window. To this day, I can't get the faintest whiff of a skunk without gagging.

*shudders*

(but I still like squirrels)

Rachel said...

Eeeeewwww.

A Novel Woman said...

It still wasn't as bad as when Buddy got skunked around midnight, i.e., when all the stores were closed, a few years ago. (shudder) Now we kept all the supplies on hand Just In Case.