Monday, April 4, 2011

Bloomex Blues

(gratuitous flower shot intended to lull)

Warning to those with delicate sensibilities. Today's blog contains profanity. This profanity was meant for one gal's eyes only, but things don't always pan out the way they should.

On January 4th, I ordered a flowers for my girlfriend's 50th birthday to be delivered to her in British Columbia. And by flowers, I mean a big bouquet of spring flowers coming in at around a hundred bucks. She's a great person and quite deserving and I couldn't be there in person to help her celebrate so I wanted to send her something nice. I included a somewhat cheeky card with my exact feelings on the subject of what it's like to turn 50.

Despite a verbal and written guarantee of same day delivery (which was a condition of the order when I placed it) they were not delivered that day. I phoned Bloomex the next morning to rescind the order. I even contacted my credit card company who said yes, I had a case since we had agreed on same day delivery, and they could cancel the charges but it would be better to work things out with Bloomex.

(gratuitous flower shot to break up white space)

The first woman I spoke to at Bloomex insisted there was nothing she could do. The flowers were enroute now.

Her: Suck it up, they're on the truck. (I'm paraphrasing here.)

Me: That's not acceptable to me.

Her: Too bad, so sad. (More paraphrasing.)

Me: That's not acceptable to me.

Her: THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT! (Nice and loud in case I couldn't hear her, which I could. Quite clearly. I just didn't accept it. Which she didn't hear.)

This is one of the benefits of turning 50, you see. You don't yield to pressure. However, the woman on the other end of the phone must have passed that same 50-year milestone some time ago, for when I began to say, "this conversation is a tad circular and we're getting nowhere so I'd...."

She hung up on me. Hung. Up.

(gratuitous flower shot to metaphorically cleanse palette)
(also, these are forget-me-nots)

When I called back (of course you knew I was going to call back) the second person was very friendly and understanding, apologized for the first rep, and offered a partial credit to compensate for their admitted mistake. This left me feeling all warm and cozy and almost feeling like it was my fault (now that's the way to do customer service!) So I accepted.

I then used this credit to purchase flowers for my 78-year-old mother for her birthday March 18th (and who also just fell down the stairs and broke her thumb and collar bone while on vacation in Florida, and so really needed some good flowery cheer.) They were delivered on time and she was happy to get them. I think her thumb even healed a little.

Now the odd twist in the story.

(photo of even odder twist)

On April 1st (unintended irony alert) I received an email notice of a flower order sent to my mother on this day. I was confused. I didn't place an order. I was directed to the Bloomex website, where I entered the code I was given. It read "invalid" so I thought it was a glitch.

Then my mother phoned to say um, she received more, um, flowers. Thank you.

However, they came with a birthday card which read, and I quote,

"FUCK FIFTY! You are still the coolest chick I know."

Yes, this was the card intended for my girlfriend last January.

Bloomex, could you please phone my mother and explain to her why she is not supposed to fuck fifty? I'd call her myself but she's not accepting my calls right now.

Thank you.
(cold bony hand of death type flower)

UPDATE: A lovely young woman from Bloomex called to apologize. And explain. Sort of.

Original order: dated January 4, 2011 written on invoice as 04/01/2011.

This was interpreted as April 1, 2011 and sent out a second time. Okay, that part makes sense.

It does not, however, explain how the order ended up as a mashup of my friend's order in B.C. being sent to my mother's street address in Ontario which they listed as being in the province of B.C. and of course, there was that small matter of the birthday card falling into the wrong hands.

Best of all, I'm listed on the invoice as living in Alberta. Alberta? Where did that come from?

I'm kind of impressed the flowers arrived at all.


The Dancing Crone said...

The scoundrels! (Really trying hard to say that with a straight face.)

Julie said...

That was hilarious! I hope your Mom was eventually able to see the humor;->

A Novel Woman said...

On the plus side, my mother got bonus flowers. On the negative side, she opened the card. On the plus side, I had April Fools' Day on my side....

Haven't heard a thing from Bloomex.

Debby said...

Cheeky, alright.

Dear heavens. I tried not to laugh, but it so did not work for me.

nightsmusic said...


Okay, now that I have that out of my system.

Awww, poor Pam! How terrible!


A Novel Woman said...

Yeah, my mother was a good sport about it. A tad confused, but that was understandable.

BB said...

I AM actually just about rolling on the floor laughing. That is INCREDIBLE... thank GOD it wasn;t my mother for whom profanity is worth a death sentence (or at least the icy blue death stare for which she is renown!).

I anticipate random giggle attacks for the rest of the day now...

kc dyer said...


~the intended recipient....

Cindy Bergeron Scherwinski said...

A woman after my own heart! Having passed that 50 milestone, I've been sharing this sentiment for 7 years. Your post was a positively, sit down and laugh right out loud affair. It is the perfect post to forward (as a link) to my friends who aren't quite sure what a blog is all about. I'd forward to my mother but she isn't really Internet savvy (and there is that profanity issue) however my 75 year old friend is going to laugh herself silly (I'll have to give her an alert to make sure she has a Depends on). Thanks for a great start to the day.


A Novel Woman said...

Your humble servant...

Deborah Small said...

OMFG. Seriously? You're telling me it was Karen's 50th!!!!

Is it too late for me to call Bloomex?

(Your poor mother -- please don't tell her I snorted coffee through my nose).

And I love how you manage to sculpt hilarity from such a mash up. You truly have a gift. :)

Take care,

A Novel Woman said...

Deb, it was January 4th. So no, it's not too late. She's still 50.

My word ver is "excitied" but why am I getting word ver when it's my blog?

Rose said...