Friday, February 22, 2008

Ode to a Penis

Because no blog is complete without a penis poem...

This all started on the Compuserve forum during an animated discussion on how graphic one should be when describing a man's naughty bits. I posted a poem about the aforementioned manly bits, because I think the poor things are woefully under-represented in most novels.

Next thing you know, my friend and writer extraordinaire Diana Gabaldon asked to include Ode To A Penis in her SIWC workshop: Writing About Sex Without Blushing, where she read the poem aloud (without blushing.) Then, much like the organ in question, it suddenly took on a life of its own. Check out Diana's wonderful blog for the workshop notes.

My poem follows below:

How does a writer describe the aroused male member in a romance novel without tarnishing the family jewels?

Despite thousands of words used to describe Wee Willy Winkie (Mark Morton lists 1,300in his book The Lover’s Tongue: A Merry Romp Through The Language Of Love And Sex) none seem to adequately convey the language of love, with its most obvious method of delivery, without giggles. One might argue the biggest organ of love is the brain, but a man’s brain is not the organ which makes its presence most boldly known in the throes of passion.

But how does a writer of romance describe ‘It’ without ruining the moment? There’s no denying ‘It’ is there - its presence is as keenly felt as the relentless prodding of a Labrador’s nose against an outstretched hand.

One might wish to use a soft touch and describe a poet’s Dart of Love. A knight shields his Lance of Love, his Excalibur seeks its sheath. A fighting man thrusts his Hooded Warrier, or if angered, his Bald Avenger. The CEO fires his Executive Staff Member, the chef heats up his Meat ‘n Potatoes, the outdoorsman handles his Rod and Tackle, and the butcher unwraps his 100% All Beef Thermometer.

No, I think for romance to work, allusion is everything. I humbly offer up the following poem:

Ode to a Penis


Advice For Romance Writers

I think that I shall never see,

a penis lovely as a tree.

Though both can be described at length,

it’s best you don’t.

Please show some strength.

For ample members are best left

(even when one’s hands are deft)

untouched by writers’ florid prose,

whether roused,

or in repose.

So drop the little one-eyed snake,

of other things you should partake.

Admittedly, they do enthrall,

but after one,

you’ve seen ‘em all.


nightsmusic said...

I still think that poem is hysterical!!

Oh, and my daughter wants you to know, she shares your interest regarding the squirrels. As she walks across her college campus, the squirrels sit in the trees and chuck acorns at the students.

Anonymous said...

LOL You are crazy.

This reminds me of a blogger who said his dad used to wake them up in the morning by calling out "Wakey, wakey, hands of the snakey!" Nuts.

kc dyer said...

This, my darling -- is sheer genius.


Laura Bradbury said...

Dear Pam,

What?!? Wasn't it YOUR B-day? Having the opportunity to read the wonderful "penis poem" made it feel like mine instead. Hoorah!

I hope your birthday was wonderful by the way...



A Novel Woman said...

Nightsmusic, I have a history with squirrels. I hate them with a passion that borders on insanity.

It's a long story...

A Novel Woman said...


Curious that you ended your comment with "nuts" don't you think?

Paging Dr. Freud...(wink)

A Novel Woman said...

Darling Laura!

My birthday was a hectic day of phone calls, with a dash of food poisoning thrown in at the end of the day. But that makes it memorable, right?

I told Doug I wanted another day to make up for it, and it's going to be Oscar day tomorrow. I want to sit back, undisturbed and watch all the interviews, diss the gowns, and toast my favourite movies of the year.

Whoo Hoo, go JUNO!

Bisous right back, my dear. And enjoy that luscious family of yours.


nightsmusic said...


Any time you want to post your squirrel story, I'd love to read it! You have a wonderfully dry wit and I love it!

Yes, even on bright, sunny days, you see umbrellas everywhere across the campus commons....DD1 is trying to learn the ins and outs of a slingshot. Problem is, she's not the most coordinated child and I'm afraid she'd go the way of Christmas Story...'You'll shoot your eye out' kind of thing. But she tries.

Lynne Sears Williams said...

I think that I shall never see, an author nuttier than a tree. And I hate squirrels, too. Happy Birthday!

Lottery Girl said...

We've been friends for all this time and you've held this back from me? This is HYSTERICALLY FUNNY!!! I adore it.

Sorry to hear about the food poisoning. You do deserve another day, girl.

A Novel Woman said...

Thanks for the birthday wishes, Lynne. Nice to see your blog back.

Steph, were you not in Diana's workshop in Surrey a couple of years ago where she read my Ode aloud? It was a highlight of my boring, yet somewhat sordid, little life.(g)

Susan Adrian said...


Oh, not me. I only love her for her penis poetry. {eg}

(and everything else!)


A Novel Woman said...

You guys kill me.

Penis poems do seem to bring out the best and worst in people though, don't you think?

Maybe a vajayjay poem will be next?

Let's see - angina, carolina, Regina, la china...

Susan Adrian said...

Pam. You could do a (oh I am so prim and proper I can't even say know, that thing you said) poem for MY BIRTHDAY!

Or, you know, a squirrel card. Your choice. :)

A Novel Woman said...


You want a poem for a word you can't even say or type? Hee hee.

When is your birthday? I'm terrible at remembering birthdays.

A Novel Woman said...


I'll see if I can dig up a squirrel story for you.

nightsmusic said...

I'll take it!! I actually **coughcough** like them. *ducks and runs*

Susan Adrian said...


Vagina. (there, I typed it)

And my birthday is tomorrow!

But you don't need to write a vj poem. You could write a poem on...snow. (as in we both have too much of it) Or Matt Damon. Or the Tudors. LOL....

Or not.


rambling caper said...

That was lovely, Pammy. I am moved, and proud of you! You know, years after Marc J left EPB, I realized the symbolism of that flag pole he was so intent on "planting" before he left. He used to talk about it at every Home & School meeting. I think he would have liked to have planted it on Lesley, too, actually.

re: vajaja lit, didn't a previous GG, Adrienne Clarkson, write a book that included a character (called Peregrine, I think?) who made up a poem for the main character:

"Regina, Regina
You are my vagina."

You could teach her a thing or two!

Hope your birthday was a happy one, hon!