Thursday, November 15, 2007

My Secret Shame


I love almost everything about Autumn. The low sun filtered through blazing maples on our street, apple crisp in the oven scenting our home, cool nights replacing the humid nights of summer – all make my heart sing. Unfortunately, the change in temperature also signals a return to my secret shame.

Our black Labrador Rosie died five years ago, and we agreed our next dog would be smaller, but with a similar, easy-going temperament. After a lot of research, I decided on a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Despite the fact that this new puppy was akin to having a toddler in the house again – a clingy toddler with sharp teeth and no diaper - I loved Buddy, also known as The Love Sponge, and he certainly has lived up to both monikers.

When I chose this breed, I admit I did not take into consideration that Cavaliers do not tolerate the cold very well. The regal name should have been a tip off; even his colouring smacks of gentility. He’s not brown and white, but “Blenheim” after Blenheim Palace in Oxfordshire, seat of the Dukes of Marlborough, and the birthplace of Sir Winston Churchill. However, everything I read said that even though ladies of the court kept warm on long carriage rides by cuddling these little critters, Cavaliers were also hardy hunting dogs who have been bred for centuries to run through the countryside and flush game.


What the experts did not say was that after allowing your Cavie to run and sniff through aforementioned countryside with all of its detritus, people will wonder why you are walking a dirty Swiffer. And if there is any snow on the ground, it will collect on the long chest and leg feathers as though someone wrapped the dog in a length of pom-pom fringe. But most importantly, at the least hint of cold weather, a Cavie will turn into a whiney baby who will persistently and stubbornly claw at your legs, begging to snuggle into your coat. To his tiny dog brain, a down-filled jacket is really no more than a fashionable, portable duvet with buttons, one which was clearly transported on a human’s back just to be available to him. Heck, he sneaks onto beds at home. Why should this be any different?

The only solution was a dog jacket or sweater, and therein lies my shame. The dog could tolerate wearing a jacket, but could I tolerate walking beside him while he wore it in public? It wasn’t as though I was putting bows on him, or rhinestone collars, or little doggie sunglasses and a hat. It was for a very practical reason. Shouldn’t I do everything in my power to make my dog comfortable? I resisted, but after yet one more walk beginning with a bouncing dog and ending with a shivering, wet mess stubbornly refusing at the halfway mark to walk another step, the answer was a qualified yes.

In my quest for a simple, unobtrusive and practical dog ensemble, I was amazed by the vast array of outfits available for the fashion conscious canine - fuzzy pink pajamas with a discreet tail hole, a faux-leather Harley Davidson jacket and cap, a hooded sweatshirt with pockets… Come on. A hood? Biker jacket? Pockets? A dog needs pockets like a fish needs shoes. I couldn’t bring myself to buy any of it. I just wanted something functional and low-key to keep the little critter warm. So I did what any resourceful suburban mom would do when she needs information – I went to the park and asked around.

Sure enough, I spied a feisty Jack Russell in a fetching yet modest little jacket (without pockets or emblems.) Turns out it was made by a local woman working from her home. I took her business card and wondered how I was going to explain to my husband that I was taking Buddy to a canine couturier to be fitted for a couple of custom, made-to-measure, dog coats. I thought I’d hit a new low when she snapped her tape measure shut, tilted her head, and suggested matching boots to protect against road salt. I figured I had to draw the line somewhere and declined.

Now my husband, like our kids, refuses to walk Buddy unless the dog is in his birthday suit. So each Fall, when the air has a bit of a nip, I take a bit of a nip too before heading out with Buddy in his lined, waterproof, tailored, plaid coat. My husband jokes that in his next reincarnation, he wants to come back as my dog, minus the goofy wardrobe. I steel myself for the comments or looks of disdain from the owners of those big rugged, manly dogs. Ah, what do they know? Are their dogs descended from royal laps and hunting parties? Doesn’t my dog have the same rights as….oh, what’s the use. I admit it. I’m ashamed I have a girlie-boy dog in a jacket. Sometimes, life’s a bitch, disguised in togs for dogs.


And in case you don't believe me, just look at the poor bugger:




Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Eh to Zed of Childhood Accidents

Years ago, someone challenged me to come up with an A-Z of childhood accidents.

Never challenge a writer. (And please ignore the inconsistencies in grammar.)

Almost drowned when five.
Broke front teeth when eight.
Cut fingers too many times to count.
Dove off roof with patio umbrella to test the theory of gravity. (Flunked test.)
Electrical shock experiment. (Which, contrary to opinion, is not a warm and fuzzy feeling.)
Frying pan burn on wrist making pancakes.
Grater accident, resulting in skinned knuckles beefing up the coleslaw.
Hung, suspended, from crotch in apple tree until rescued. (Tree's crotch, not mine.)
Icy post/tongue incident (Who hasn't had one of those?)
Jumped from roof with garbage bag parachute. (Didn't learn lesson from umbrella.)
Kite, homemade, flew into head not sky.
Leapt from scooter, also homemade, over curb and missed.
Major food poisoning from Aunt Lily's famous egg nog made with raw eggs.
Nasty spill from the first and last time waterskiing. (Full body enema.)
Orange segment incident, in which I chipped yet another tooth chewing a piece of fruit.
Peed myself laughing. (That constitutes an accident, no?)
Quest for minnows in grandparents' lake resulting in blood suckers wrapped around toes.
Rollerskated into fence. (These were attached to my sneakers with a key. Yes, I'm old.)
Slashed sole of bare foot on rusty can. (See grandparents' lake.)
Trod on by horse. (Used at summer camp, not as a means of transport. I'm not that old.)
Unnerving bum-tumble down a flight of stairs into the basement.
V-neck sweater caught on earring in pierced ear.
Wrist sprain after fall on cement floor while eight months pregnant (which, while not technically a "childhood accident" I did cry like a baby.)
X-ray of my wonky spine, which is deemed so strange, am asked by professor, rubbing her hands in glee, if I'm willing to donate it to confound medical students.
Yanked fish hook from face when I tagged a Styrofoam flutter board and pulled hard.
Zambonied into road from bike, knocking out front teeth the day before kindergarten photo.

Light posts and manly bits

The Boy was unloading the tires from my car and "somehow" they fell out of the car because they hadn't been "stacked properly." Now our metal light post is severed it from its base and is teetering precariously over my car. And a snow storm is in the forecast.

So today, instead of my weekly manicure and foot massage, I will go forth in search of electricians and a new light post. Meanwhile, Middle Child is slaving away writing a book report on the cultural history of the penis for her anthropology class and reading bits aloud for my edification. While she found the book enlightening, she was critical of the lack of "visual support" in the book. She claimed to be referring to the lack of photos on the instruments of torture used in witch hunts, but I suggested she might want to clarify that bit.

And I was kidding about the manicure and massage. Never had either, probably never will, as all our money is going to replacing light standards and education so our kids can learn about the history of the penis.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Man Cold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLHWmjA5IE

Serendipity

Frozen hot chocolate from "Serendipity" New York City, that is. Found it. Blended it. Drank it. Dealt with the brain freeze.

Life is good again.

I'm out of chocolate


It's November in Montreal, which means gray, drizzly, cold and I can handle that, I really can, IF I have chocolate. My Swiss stash has run out, the dark chocolate biscuits are history and the kids found my hidden Chipits. There isn't any leftover Halloween candy. I'm not that into Halloween as a holiday, and I don't normally get dressed up, but since we were invited to a party this year, we both got into it. And it was on our street which meant we could walk there and stagger home.
This is me with Death. I started out as a Witch, but after poofing my hair and adding false eyelashes, I decided to go as Death's Mistress. Despite the fact that I'm middle-aged, married and my face was painted gray with green highlights, it didn't deter some of the (older, nearsighted) men from making passes, which certainly made Death take notice.





Anyone who knows me knows I love animals and while I don't hate spiders I don't exactly like them either. I'd say it's more of a wet-my-pants-when-I-see-'em type phobia, actually, but I generally let them be.

This puppy was on my front door. A teenage girl first alerted us to the fact that it was hanging there by screaming in the way that only teenage girls can. I reacted without thinking, and grabbed a shoe to thwack it, not realizing it was a she, and she was carrying eight billion babies, resulting in the yellow goo. If Halloween had not just passed, I'd have been tempted to leave it on the door. Okay, who am I kidding. The spider is gone, but the spider spackle is still on my door.


Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Bad, yet not bad enough

I'm ashamed I haven't updated my blog since May. Not really. I just knew I was supposed to say that. I've actually been living the good life at the cottage all summer, getting a bit of work done, both the written word and the hands dirty kind in the garden.

Got word that another entry of mine made the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest list again. This makes three times in the last four years which means I'm either getting better or worse. I was a dishonorable mention again, or as my friend Karen put it, "Always bad but never quite bad enough!"

My entry this year:

"She clung to the memory of their love like those tiny bits of used tissues he always left in his pockets, which mostly ended up in the dryer lint basket although enough of them welded themselves to her favorite navy blue, polar fleece pullover rendering it as permanently flawed and unappealing as his name tattooed on her butt."

To read the winning entry and the rest of the putrid prose, visit:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/